Remembering...

I thought of you with love today,
But that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday,
And days before that too.
I think of you in silence.
I often speak your name.
Now all I have is memories.
And your picture in a frame.
Your memory is my keepsake.
With which I will never part.
God has you in His keeping.
I have you in my heart.

It's been a year since we've held Aidan. Yet, alot of details I can remember like they just happened yesterday. I remember how he would stretch and straighten his legs when you were changing his diaper, I remember how he'd puff out his stomach and belly button when he was really angry, I remember how pitiful he looked when we put him in the swing that nurses swore he loved, I remember how squishy his arms and thighs were, I remember how his eyes lit up the first time he saw his crib soother, I remember how chill and unimpressed he was by anything else, and how when he was seeing something new for the first time he always looked a bit skeptical. I remember how he never quite had that "baby smell" and i'm convinced the only way to acheive it would have been for me to cover him in baby powder and I didn't want to get that in his g-tube site, so I never used it. I remember how it once took both Mike and I an hour to change his diaper, his top sheet, his diaper, his entire crib sheet set and then finally a bath. I remember how soft his hair was. I remember how he constantly looked scared after he woke up from the "coma". I remember being more afraid to hold him after surgery than the first time he was placed in my arms, because I was so afraid I was hurting him when I held him. But there are things I wish I could remember that seem like distant memories, such as his cry. I try with all my might to remember how he sounded, and it's just not there.

I also remember wondering how in the world Mike and I would survive this. You hear about how most couples who lose a child end up getting divorced. I think, if anything, our relationship has gotten stronger! We joke around about this pact that we have - we can only leave each other if we can find someone who will know and love Aidan as much as we do, it's impossible!!