Sunday, September 14, 2008

Remembering...


I thought of you with love today,
But that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday,
And days before that too.
I think of you in silence.
I often speak your name.
Now all I have is memories.
And your picture in a frame.
Your memory is my keepsake.
With which I will never part.
God has you in His keeping.
I have you in my heart.






It's been a year since we've held Aidan. Yet, alot of details I can remember like they just happened yesterday. I remember how he would stretch and straighten his legs when you were changing his diaper, I remember how he'd puff out his stomach and belly button when he was really angry, I remember how pitiful he looked when we put him in the swing that nurses swore he loved, I remember how squishy his arms and thighs were, I remember how his eyes lit up the first time he saw his crib soother, I remember how chill and unimpressed he was by anything else, and how when he was seeing something new for the first time he always looked a bit skeptical. I remember how he never quite had that "baby smell" and i'm convinced the only way to acheive it would have been for me to cover him in baby powder and I didn't want to get that in his g-tube site, so I never used it. I remember how it once took both Mike and I an hour to change his diaper, his top sheet, his diaper, his entire crib sheet set and then finally a bath. I remember how soft his hair was. I remember how he constantly looked scared after he woke up from the "coma". I remember being more afraid to hold him after surgery than the first time he was placed in my arms, because I was so afraid I was hurting him when I held him. But there are things I wish I could remember that seem like distant memories, such as his cry. I try with all my might to remember how he sounded, and it's just not there.


I also remember wondering how in the world Mike and I would survive this. You hear about how most couples who lose a child end up getting divorced. I think, if anything, our relationship has gotten stronger! We joke around about this pact that we have - we can only leave each other if we can find someone who will know and love Aidan as much as we do, it's impossible!!



3 comments:

Anonymous said...

xoxooxo

Katetricia said...

I was going through some ideas for xmas card, came across one of your entries on Aidan as the xmas card design...

It touched me immediately. I don't know what to say, but I am proud that both of you are getting very strong over this matter.

Could only say, we love you as much as you loved Aidan. He is watching over both of your from Heaven...

Do take care..

xoxo

kayla said...

I'm so sorry. I wish you the best and you have a wonderful blog. God bless